Time, Once again...for a funny....

[Sherry]

I don't care if Carlin said it or not...these are hilarious....


Subject: GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2006
New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years, because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man , they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the ass hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge ass hole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

[TerryAnne]

God, I love that last one!! I don't have kids (obviously) and I personally find it unbelievably annoying when I say, "How old", and they go "She'll be 13 months next week." Ummm, am I supposed to go buy a present or something? Or, am I supposed to then follow up with, "Well, golly, kids aren't supposed to be walking until x month, or reading until x year. She certainly is proactive, isn't she?" Is this some sick way of parents trying to get a congratuations or something?!?

Please don't tell me that I'll understand when I have kids, because I'm about over that one.

[Sherry]

I love Carlin's dry, sarcastic humor.....

[MrSinatra]

he's such an awful person though. it robs his humor for me. but funny is funny.

[Sherry]

he's such an awful person though. it robs his humor for me. but funny is funny.

Mr. Sinatra....you've been around a lot lately....out of rehab???? (lol....just kidding....it's the martini thing... )

anyway.....why is Carlin awful??? something I missed???

[MrSinatra]

he's a nihilist and misanthrope.

that isn't to say that i disagree with what he says either, its just that i have beliefs beyond those, the other side of the coin if u will...

he is just caustic acid, with no admiration for the upside of humanity. he's disassociated from positivity of any kind.

its evident in his comedy, but like i said, funny is funny. its not til u see him interviewed that you see how nasty he can be.

[Sherry]

he's a nihilist and misanthrope.

that isn't to say that i disagree with what he says either, its just that i have beliefs beyond those, the other side of the coin if u will...

he is just caustic acid, with no admiration for the upside of humanity. he's disassociated from positivity of any kind.

its evident in his comedy, but like i said, funny is funny. its not til u see him interviewed that you see how nasty he can be.

ummm..ok...I never saw an interview with him...I'll take your word for it...

I noticed that you have over 700 posts here....isn't doesn't seem like that's possible.....are you messin' with your post #'s....

[Lonewolfe2015]

he's a nihilist and misanthrope.

that isn't to say that i disagree with what he says either, its just that i have beliefs beyond those, the other side of the coin if u will...

he is just caustic acid, with no admiration for the upside of humanity. he's disassociated from positivity of any kind.

its evident in his comedy, but like i said, funny is funny. its not til u see him interviewed that you see how nasty he can be.

ummm..ok...I never saw an interview with him...I'll take your word for it...

I noticed that you have over 700 posts here....isn't doesn't seem like that's possible.....are you messin' with your post #'s....

Look at his date for when he joined...

[Sherry]

yeah, but there are a lot of days...weeks that he wasn't around at all...the # just seems really high to me....


and Also...Bernie never say's "Hi" anymore.....is he like totally bored with us???????

[MrSinatra]

most of my posts are from the early days, when i was just trying to get this thing started.

funny, back then i was accused of being "too active" and taking multiperson discussions and turning them into 2 person argumentative dialogues. i actually had already planned regardless, that once the thing was off the ground, that as a mod it would be more "proper" for me to be as less intrusive as possible. also, i want this place to be sefl ruled, not dictated.

i guess i just can't please anyone. c'est la vie.

btw, those early posts complaining about me are still here, just a little seach will do you.

and Sherry, you can't possibly miss my arrogant self this much, can you?

[Sherry]

most of my posts are from the early days, when i was just trying to get this thing started.

funny, back then i was accused of being "too active" and taking multiperson discussions and turning them into 2 person argumentative dialogues. i actually had already planned regardless, that once the thing was off the ground, that as a mod it would be more "proper" for me to be as less intrusive as possible. also, i want this place to be sefl ruled, not dictated.

i guess i just can't please anyone. c'est la vie.

btw, those early posts complaining about me are still here, just a little seach will do you.

and Sherry, you can't possibly miss my arrogant self this much, can you?

Of course I miss you.......can't you tell what an impossible flirt I am???............

tell us more about yourself.....

I'm NOT a stalker...promise.....

[Attilathehungry]

I'm NOT a stalker...promise.....

I don't know, Sherry. Anthony Van Belle read an awful lot into our discussions.

[TerryAnne]

he's a nihilist and misanthrope.

that isn't to say that i disagree with what he says either, its just that i have beliefs beyond those, the other side of the coin if u will...

he is just caustic acid, with no admiration for the upside of humanity. he's disassociated from positivity of any kind.

its evident in his comedy, but like i said, funny is funny. its not til u see him interviewed that you see how nasty he can be.

I agree 100% with you on that. But funny is funny.

[Tiffany]

To some, this'll make me sound funny, but to others it won't, I guess. Anyway, it makes me uncomfortable to hear people being so openly blasphemous. Sometimes I think Carlin's funny (and he's actually helped me understand where an atheist might be coming from) but he's just so disrespectful of something that many think deserves the respect of everyone, even if they don't believe in it. It's like me and the Pope. I'm not Catholic, so it's not that important to me, but at the same time I understand it's important to a lot of people. Also, I didn't like how he talked about 9/11, and not long after it happened. it was no time for comedy, imo.

I don't know... he's funny sometimes, but I feel dirty after I listen to him. It's like when they used to always have Jesus and Pals on South Park. I love South Park, but I always turned those off. If I'm going to feel dirty over something, I'd rather it be something worth it, other than a few cheap laughs. I can get those w/o bringing God into it.

[MrSinatra]

i think south park is usually quite kind to the jesus character in jesus and pals... most of the time.

the one where he fights satan is EXTREMELY pro jesus, if u can believe that.