Turkey Day

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Turkey Day

Unread postby fertile1 » Tue Nov 22, 2016 9:58 am

Hip Pocket Guide to Turkey Day
Thanksgiving Day can be pulled off in many ways. The following are rated in terms of ease of execution:
1. Go out for dinner. The only difficulty is advance planning and finding a city or town that knows what Thanksgiving Day is. In London, for example, only Joe Allen’s in Exeter Street (near Covent Garden), under the expert stewardship of Richard Polo, serves a traditional Thanksgiving grub-fest. Level of Difficulty—1

2. Have a restaurant or caterer sneak the meal in. Be sure the food arrives before your guests so that you can hide all the vulgar packaging and put the food on your best serving platters. Again, London can be a problem. Even after describing in detail what a pumpkin pie was, it arrived doing a remarkable impression of a chartreuse crepe.

This subterfuge also works for summer picnics where the KFC offerings appear on checkered table cloths and elegant silverware without a trace of the food’s provenance--the boxes, paper napkins, and plastic knives and forks that were originally purchased.

In both cases, be sure to dispose carefully of the original packaging; guests sometimes have an annoying habit of going through your trash when the contents of your bathroom medicine cabinet have lost their appeal. Level of Difficulty—2

3. Thaw and cook a turkey at home with stuffing prepared and cooked alongside. Here slow roasting is key. I had a fraternity brother who was determined to produce a moist meal, so he became a master butter baster, anointing the bird every ten minutes during the cooking process. The problem was that the cooking temperature was much too high, and the finished product tasted like it had just returned from a trek across the Serengeti.
A better method is to cook the turkey for one hour at 350 degrees to kill the little bugs and then place it on the dining room table on Tuesday under a chandelier turned up to high. By Thursday, it will be done and delectable.
If basting is a must, don’t use Ambra Solaire. This significantly prolongs the browning process. Degree of Difficulty--3

4. Be bold. Start from scratch. Unfrozen bird stuffed the old-fashioned way. This is sometimes referred as the Four “F” Club Method—Fist f bomb the Fresh Foul. Degree of Difficulty—4
Beverage Accompaniments:
a. Scarlett O’Hara (c bomb2) Only I know the recipe and am not telling in the absence of proof of purchase of one of my books.
b. Beaujolais Nouveau (wine) It’s red but must be served chilled, or as the French say, room temperature. Be careful about the wine going bad. After it’s opened, the life clock is ticking. So drink up, don’t dawdle.
c. Champagne. Never a bad choice, morning, noon or night.
Final Humanitarian Plea
Turkeys (including the one that is about to exit the WH Coop) are lovable. So why not let them live without waiting for a Presidential Pardon?
Surely there are ways of stilling stomach growling without killing innocent animals. Let’s explore them. The spared turkeys will give you thanks, otherwise known as Thanksgiving, with a degree that will warm you through the winter until you turn your year-end homicidal attention to ducks.
fertile1
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Turkey Day

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